In Sickness and in Health
The coping mechanisms we build over our lifetimes have a lot to do with how caregivers and those with chronic illnesses work together. Chronic illness changes our relationships – especially with a spouse or partner. Both people experience grief and loss. Both can feel denial, anger, helplessness, sadness, loneliness, and fear. Well partners can feel disloyal and guilty if they have feelings other than compassion for their ill loved one. Those with chronic illnesses can feel guilty about the impact of their conditions on their loved ones. When you’re sick, it's easy to get so wrapped up in your feelings that you forget about the everyday struggles of your partner, separate and apart from your illness, as well as the life changes resulting from the illness.
We all live on a continuum between our worst and best selves. Chronic illness activates our primal survival instinct, especially during acute episodes. When faced with a crisis in our bodies, we blunt the other parts of our brains if we view our illness solely as a physical threat. The self-preserving part of our brain goes into overdrive, and we react instead of respond. We get so used to being on high alert that we view other situations as threatening and become defensive or come out swinging. Stress, especially chronic stress, can bring us closer to our worst selves if we rely on coping strategies that focus only on survival or short-term relief. If we ignore the emotional toll illness takes and don’t develop more global strategies for coping long-term, we damage our relationships and are unhappy. If we avoid processing our feelings, it often results in moodiness that affects those closest to us and increases our suffering. Successfully surviving is necessary but leaves us yearning for something more. Understanding and recognizing our reactivity is the first step in re-engaging the suppler parts of our brains and responding in ways that steer us back to our best selves.
Your relationship can be a sanctuary, a hidden, sacred space known only to the two of you. I’m not talking rainbows and unicorns all the time, but a place where joy is nurtured. This takes trust and work. We must have integrity in our exchanges and be honest about our reactions. A genuine attempt to own our shortcomings and understand and forgive ourselves invites our partners to do the same. You will fall short. You might even become a raving maniac from time to time or a whiny, annoying pain. It's important not to get stuck there. Apologize and mean it. When we are sick and/or isolated, we easily forget our connection to others and lose hope. Our capacity for joy grows as we share our lives with other people. Joy is different from happiness. Happiness requires that other emotions not be present or not be acknowledged. Joy holds both sorrow and happiness. It holds loss with both regret and gratefulness for the gift that was.
The humbling nature of pain reminds us that love is twofold – giving and receiving. The giving part is much easier on our egos. We can feel good about ourselves when we do something for someone else. When we are the receivers, we are forced to see ourselves as worthy just because we are. A sense of humor and a sideways glance at difficult situations can temporarily widen our focus and provide a brief respite from our pain. This allows us to rest in the compassion of another without being overwhelmed by it. After hand surgery, I was unable to use my dominant hand, so I couldn’t do some basic things for myself like wash and dry my hair. My guy’s guy husband had to step in as my stylist. The hilarious sight of him in the mirror drying my hair with a hot brush styler made us both double over with laughter. There is no medicine like a good snorty, belly laugh.
Each partner needs to do a self-check-in so unprocessed feelings aren’t visited on the other and hope and joy can grow. Assess how much each of you has to give at the time, not how much you think the other should have, and devise a plan for bridging the gap. Dr. Brené Brown developed some strategies that help couples navigate the gap.
In my blog post Wholeness, I included a check-in for those with chronic illnesses. Below is a check-in for the loved ones of those living with chronic pain and illness.
Physical
Am I respecting my body’s needs and limitations?
Am I remembering to breathe correctly?
Are my muscles tense?
Am I relying on food or drink for comfort?
Emotional
Am I stuck in a negative pattern of thinking?
Can I forgive myself for negative thoughts and feelings?
What assumptions am I making about my life?
What assumptions am I making about my partner?
What have I done for fun lately?
What's good in my life?
Spiritual
Can I see the Divine revealed in myself, others, and the world around me?
Am I mirroring the Divine's love in my love for myself, others, and nature?
Even still, you might think, How can I care for my partner when I'm not well? How can I find that something more? Nurture in the other and yourself that which is not caregiver or patient. Hold each other close and give each other space. Recognize each other’s struggles and work together to create a new version of your life. Realize that each of you is doing your best at that moment, even if it’s not so great.
On Marriage
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Kahlil Gibran
Good luck on your journey. Remember, you can always find your way back if you leave enough crumbs.
